Share The Burden.

“Dear, what is bothering you?” asked the young wife. “We promised to share all our joys and all our sorrows together,” she continued. “But this is different,” protested her husband. “Together we will bear the burden. Tell me what our problem is,” insisted the wife. “I found out,” said with great difficulty the husband, “We have become the father of a bastard child.”

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Lucky Man.

“How did the accident occur?” Asked the doctor. “Well,” explained the patient, “We were making love on the living -room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us.” “Fortunately, you only sustained minor bruises on your buttocks,” the doctor said. “You are a very lucky man.” “You said it, doctor,” exclaimed the man. “A minute sooner and it could have fractured my skull!”

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Bachelor Party.

The bridegroom-to-be and his best man were getting dressed after playing golf. “Just between the two us. What are the plans for my bachelor party?’ asked the bridegroom. “There will be plenty of booze. And we will sit down to a dinner. After that we will roast you. Then we will watch a great porno,” revealed the best man. “It sounds great except for one thing. Isn’t a porno movie a little inappropriate in this occasion?” said the bridegroom. “Not when it features your bride-to-be,” replied the best man.

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Dinner Distraction.

At dinner the husband was enthusiastically describing to the family his new secretary. “She is personable, clever, punctual and darned attractive. She is a real doll,” he finished. “A doll?” asked his wife with a frown. “A doll,” re-emphasized the husband. Their little daughter who knew a little about dolls, looked up from her plate and asked, “Does she closed her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?”

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Wife’s Solution.

When the man first noticed his penis was growing longer and stayed erect longer, he was delighted. And even more delighted was his wife. Several weeks later his penis had grown tremendously. The man became concerned, as he had problems to dress and even to walk. So, the man and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After the initial consultation, the doctor explained to the couple that, although very rare, the man’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. “How long will my husband be on crunches? “The wife asked anxiously. “Why would your husband need crunches?” responded the doctor. “Well, you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?” said the wife.

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Female Robot.

The man got the first robot secretary on the market. One of his friends stopped by to see the invention: the beautiful blonde, speaks ten foreign languages, types eight hundred words a minute, and has the most gorgeous figure ever imagined. “Can I take your secretary to the conference room for a bit?” the friend asked. “Sure,” the man replied. Half an hour later the man heard dreadful screams coming from the conference room. “Oh, shit!” said the man to himself. “I forgot to tell my friend that her butt is a pencil sharpener!”

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Strange Order.

The businessman stopped at a luxurious hotel in New York. After checking in, he phoned down to room service. “Would you please send up immediately a pole, a violin and a blond?” The hotel employee was flabbergasted and demanded the reason for this strange order. “Well, I never know if I’m going to whittle, fiddle or diddle!” the businessman replied.

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Money Value.

The gorgeous middle-aged woman gave a hundred-dollar bill to pay for her purchase in the dress store. “I can’t accept this money,” said the salesperson, “these one hundred notes is counterfeit. “Immediately call the police!” the woman cried out. “I have been raped!”

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Family Talk.

The family of four was sitting at the dinner table, when the son asked the father, “Dad how many kinds of breasts are there?” Surprised, the father answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons – round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they are like pears. Still nice but hang a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.” “Onions?” asked the son. “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry,” the father said. This answer infuriated his wife and his daughter. So, the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiled and said, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch – flexible, but reliable. After his fifties it’s like a Christmas tree.” A Christmas tree?” inquired the daughter. “Yes, it’s dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration only,” the mother concluded.

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Sex Therapist’s Advice.

The couple came to see a young sex therapist who recently opened his office. They both complained of a lack of enjoyment and asked if the therapist would watch them and could give them advice. It looked like they were both doing a great job, the sex therapist told the couple. They paid for the visit and left. The next week the couple was back. They did it again in front of the sex therapist. Again, the sex therapist said it was great, collected his money, and they left. “You two don’t seem to have any sexual problems. Why do you keep coming back?” the sex therapist asked, when they came again. “This is my secretary, and your fees are much lower than they charge at any hotel in the area,” the man said.

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