Late Night Ride.

Driving one rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of the alley. Before he rolled to to stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view, as he was pulling away, the driver was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman who was sitting in the back seat. “Where to go?” he stammered. “Fifth Avenue,” answered the woman. “Very good,” the driver said taking anther long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and then asked, “Just what the hel are you looking at?” “Well, I noticed that you are completely naked, and was just curious how you will pay the fare,” said the driver.

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Making A Deal.

A man decided to buy a new scope for his rifle. He went to a rifle store and asked the store owner to show him a scope. The store owner took out a scope and said, “This scope is so good that you can see my house up that hill tens of miles from here.” The man took a look through the scope, and started laughing. “What’s so funny?” asked the store owner. “I see a naked man and a naked woman, running around in the house,” the man replied. The store owner grabbed the scope from the man and looked at his house. “Here are two bullets,” said the store owner. “I will give this scope if take these two bullets, shoot the woman’s head and shoot the man’s private part.” The man took the scope, took another look where the man and the woman were, and said, “I can do it with one bullet.

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First Baby Delivery.

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that the woman was pregnant, the woman got a little scared.”It will be my first baby,” she confessed with a blush. “And actually, I don’t know the first thing about how babies are delivered.” “Don’t worry about a thing,” reassured the doctor. “It is not really all different from how the baby got started in the first place. Startled the woman exclaimed, “You mean twice around downtown with my legs hanging on the front seat of the limousine!” the woman whispered.

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Life View.

Life is like a man’s private part. It is simple, relaxed and hanging free. Women are the ones who make it hard.

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Simple Cure.

A man came to a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there is somebody on top of it. You must help me. I am going crazy.” “Put yourself in my hands for six months,” started the psychiatrist. “Come to me twice a week, and I will cure your fears.” “How much will you charge?” asked the man. “One hundred fifty dollars a visit,” replied the psychiatrist. A few months later the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me?” he asked the man. “For one hundred fifty dollars a visit? A bartender cured for a few dollars during a couple of drinks,” the man said smiling. “How did he do it?” asked the psychiatrist. “The bartender suggested to cut the legs off the bed,” replied the man.

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Between Patient And Doctor.

A very pretty nurse took her troubles to the psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “Every time I date one of the young doctors at the hospital I end up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed for quite some time.” “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “You want me to help you strengthen the will power and resolve this issue?” “No, no,” exclaimed the nurse. “I need your help so I will not feel guilty and depressed.”

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Date Confusion.

“I have a date with our new neighbor, who moved into our building three months ago,” the woman shared with her close friend. “How  nice,” the close friend said. “I went out with him once a few weeks ago.” “Only once?” the surprised first woman asked. “How did it go?” she inquired. “Well, I wore my best new dress I purchasedt at Neiman Markus, and he brought me an attractively arranged bouquet of roses,” said the close friend. “We went to a very nice, expensive restaurant where he ordered lobster, shrimps, veal and kept ordering champagne bottle after bottle. We also had fantastic desert. Then he took me to his place. As we were entering the door he ripped off my dclothes, and was a complete animal. He made love to me multiple times.until I was completely exhausted.” “Goodness gracious!” the first woman said. “You are telling me me that I shouldn’t go?” “No, the close friend said. “I warn you to wear some ordinary outfit.”

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Divorce Hearing.

I have reviewed the case very carefully and have decided to give the ex-wife one thousand dollars  a week,” the judge declared to the ex-husband at the divorce hearing. “That ‘s more than fare,” the ex-husband admitted. “I will even try to chip in some of my own money from time to time.

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Quit Plan.

A man walks into a bar, orders three shots and downs them all. “What’s up with the three shots?” asks the bartender. “My two close friends and I have gone our separate ways, and I miss them terribly,” says the man. “See, this glass is for Charlie, this one is Peter’s, and this one is mine. I feel like we are all drinking together, just like it was in good, old times.” Every day the man comes into the bar and the bartender sets up three glasses. One day the man asks just for two shots. “I hate to ask,” says the bartender, “but did something happen to one of your friends?” “No, they are all right. I just decided to quit drinking,” says the man

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Between Husband And Wife.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied a young couple who had been  sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had the chance the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this man hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it! “”I am so relieved you feel that way ,dear,” the wife hissed spitting out the gag, “because the man just told me he thinks you have a very attractive behind.”

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